Anxious In Love? Tips To Cope If You Are An Anxious Attachment Type…

Click here to take a five-minute test to identify your attachment style.

Caroline Cranshaw

Books to help:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love

Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict

Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate

Anxious/Preoccupied (High Anxiety/Low Avoidance) types are inclined to fixate on their relationships. No one can FB stalk like an anxious/preoccupied. They’re the ones driving their friends crazy by over-analyzing their latest target. They worry that they are not good enough and put their partners on pedestals. They need a lot of reassurance and affirmations to feel secure. If their attachment system is triggered, it can stay stuck on hyper-alert and they feel that the relationship is under threat.

Preoccupied types are only as happy as the relationship they’re in and they may have or mistakenly think they have a sixth sense of what others are feeling. Often hypersensitive, they can overreact and say things that they later regret. Pushing people away by being insecure or needy, achieving the exact opposite of the closeness they desire.

The more secure and reassuring a partner is, the less negatively-activated insecure types are.

So what can we do to become more secure in relationships?

Find out your type and learn to recognize the types of others. We aren’t purposely trying to drive each other crazy; we are just operating in a way that we have learned to keep ourselves safe. Most of us are not consciously aware of why we react and behave the way we do in relationships.

Learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Ultimately, secure people are able to self regulate their thoughts and emotions. They are able to stay present with what they are feeling and look objectively at the situation. If something is upsetting them, they look to their partner for reassurance and calm down quickly without reacting in an unhealthy way.

When we feel ourselves getting anxious or pulling away in a relationship, it helps to look at what we are thinking and ask if these feelings are really justified or this is an old pattern from childhood?

Are you fully in your adult self? We all have a team inside us. An inner child, a rebellious teenager, a critical parent… When upset, certain parts or sub-personalities can take over, trying to keep us safe. When triggered, ask how old am I right now? Close your eyes and imagine the part of you that is helping you with this situation. It’s amazing what our subconscious will show us when we tune in.

Get Help – We go to the doctor, the nutritionist, the personal trainer, yoga and are obsessed with looking after our bodies, but most of us ignore the most important part. Our mind needs to be healthy and looked after, as well, as it affects all aspects of our life.

If you are having relationship struggles that you believe stem from an insecure attachment, one of the best things you can do go to a therapist who is familiar with working with attachment issues. It has changed my life, by identifying and becoming secure in my relationship type.

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